Who the fuck am I? Does anybody know? I’m like a Facebook phantom. I’m the ghost in the machine. You log onto Facebook, and boom, there I am. When did you add me as a friend? Do you remember? You were probably sitting at your computer one afternoon, screwing around, watching some porn, and you thought, “hey, let me go on Facebook and see what’s going on.” And then you saw me, and it was like, “who the fuck is this?” Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Nobody knows who the fuck I am.
Every once and a while, I’ll put up a picture of myself in drag. I’ll be right below your aunt and your best friend. Your page will look like this: Person you know, Person you know, Person you know, Guy you don’t know in makeup and heels, Person you know, etc. You may not think about it for the rest of the day, but in that one minute, all you could think to yourself was “who the fuck is this Ryan Vernotico?”
The part that I get a real kick out of is that I spread through KOCC like a cancer. First, one of your friends will accept my friend request. Then, you will see that I am a mutual friend, and you’ll see how many mutual friends we have. At this point, you’re totally going to be convinced that you know me and either I’ll friend request you, or you can do me. Either way—once we’re friends, you’ll look at my profile pictures and slowly come to the realization that you have absolutely no idea who I am. You will note my resemblance to Brandon Flowers, and you’ll look around for a guy who looks like Brandon Flowers, but you won’t find me. And then, you will ask one friend and then another, “Hey do you know who this Ryan Vernotico guy is? I thought he was friends with you.” And your friend won’t know who I am either. One of your friends becomes my friend and the whole cycle repeats itself. I’m not stopping until you are all my virtual networking friends and I own the interwebs.
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