GUEST EDITORIAL: FIDEL CASTRO

How are you doing? This is Fidel Castro here, your new KOCC kickball chairman. I am making some changes this season to your kickball league. I hope that once you understand the changes, you will see that they were made for your own good. You Americans always bitch and moan that the people in charge don’t ever do anything. Well KOCC did something—they hired me. I am holding up three fingers in that picture because I am making three changes and I took that picture because I was talking about this topic.

First. You must realign your teams into two separate conferences that you will create out of thin air. Who gives a fuck about rivalries and shit like tradition? Not this Cubano. Do you even know who is in your conference right now? Do you have any idea whatsoever? And draw the teams up by random. That makes sense.

Second. We will draw a circle around the pitcher’s mound and not allow the pitcher to leave the circle before the ball is kicked. Do you realize how great this rule is? You limit the range of a pitcher so that every pitcher is the same as any other pitcher. It is the correct Marxist thing to do here. You can’t have one pitcher being better defensively than another pitcher simply because he puts himself in better position than anyone else. That is such a capitalist concept—it makes me sick.

Third. Everyone in the league will hand your identification to a Commissar of the ID Committee. They will write your name down and they may take down your phone number. We will use that information as we see fit. This is for your own good, you must see that. You can’t be trusted to act responsibly and not bring children to the park and you can’t be trusted to not give those children alcohol. If you complain at all, you must understand that this is all for your own good.